Relationship Material

September 7th, 2010

Dear English Gentleman,

What is it about a woman that makes a man decide to pursue a relationship with her and not someone else? Do you have any tips about what it is that men are looking for in general?


Dear Wondering,

I think that the principal idea here is that men want to be desired just as much as women. Men want to be wanted just as much as women want to be wanted, and this is the basis of what makes another person attractive. So a man finds the woman who desires him, indeed the woman who wants him, naturally more attractive than others. Let’s explore this idea in a little more depth. What makes a woman desire a man; and what makes a man desire a woman? Let’s consider some aspects which make one (here I assume a person of either sex), desirable and want-able.

I’ll split my answer into two parts. The first considers non-physical attractiveness; the second part of my answer looks at those physical aspects which men may find attractive about a woman. Both parts are served up with the caveat that they are simply some personal thoughts on the matter.

1. At the top (or at least very near the top) of my personal list of aspects of non-physical attractiveness is enthusiasm.  Now importantly I am talking about a general enthusiasm for life; the woman who is thrilled with life and who radiates energy and excitement will be as attractive to the man as a man who is thrilled with life and who too radiates energy and excitement. Enthusiasm is infectious! Fair enough, but what is it which makes someone thrilled with his or her life in the first place? I really do think that a necessary prerequisite is a capacity to be happy within (and to borrow that lovely Scottish preposition), outwith one’s self. This is a very attractive trait in either sex. People who love themselves are in a much better position to love others; such people give off a very desirable ‘vibe’. Fall in love with your own life first and the rest will follow.

2. Romance. I think a large number of men find romantic women attractive. And I suspect that an equally large – if not larger – number of women find romantic men attractive. In fact, studies show that men fall in love faster than women! Surprised? But what of this romance? By romance I mean a delight in the meaning of things, an appreciation of beauty in the simplest of details and occurrences, and the wanting and seeking to make the other person’s life special. But in either case the romance has to spring naturally: if one is having to try and deliberately be romantic then whatever results is unlikely to be very romantic at all.

3. Details. See Romance above. A big part of being romantic and enthusiastic about life is noticing the small details and most importantly the good in such small details: a landscape, a flower, the scent of your girlfriend’s hair, for instance. Women certainly like men who notice details, and I think the converse is true too. After all, details are important. If a man has made an effort it’s (probably) not accidental, and equally if a woman is wearing a sexy outfit, she didn’t put it on by accident, but spent many minutes or maybe even hours making sure every part of her attire was just perfect. So take care of the small details if you want to capture your man!

4. In the bedroom: Enthusiasm, romance, and details in the bedroom. Men like to be called sexy rather than cute; and the woman who shows a man that she wants him sexually is on course to drive that man wild.

Now, let’s turn to the second part of my answer and consider those physical attributes that men find most attractive, or rather those attributes which surveys tend to suggest men find most attractive in a woman.

One might naively think that either sex would be interested in the physical differences between the sexes. Yet this appears not to be borne out by surveys of such things. In one such study, for example, number one was the face with about one third of men saying it was a woman’s most important physical attribute. Which is perhaps not surprising given the obvious importance of communication in a relationship: we spend much time looking at each other’s face. Legs come in at number two, with a quarter of men saying that legs were the most important physical attribute. And we have to wait until third place for that obvious physical difference, namely breasts, at 18%. Fourth place goes to hair, at just 5%. And just 4% of men thought that a woman’s derrière was her most important physical attribute, despite the very same apparently being rather high on a woman’s list of physical attributes that are perceived to be attractive in men.

So there you have it: for what it’s worth my thoughts in response to your question. But let’s end with this thought: in another study men reported that first and foremost the most attractive characteristic of a woman is that she loves him. And I think that’s a very good answer, certainly for a relationship which lasts a lifetime.

Be Sociable, Share!

8 responses to “Relationship Material”

  1. Isabel says:

    Wait, only 4% of men were interested in a woman’s ahem…backside? Where were these surveys taken? I’m from a warm South American country (ok Brazil if you all have to know!) and I know for a fact that men here like women who can play up her ass…ets, you know what I mean? The Lambada and Samba were invented for a reason, and I’m sure many a man would agree that it is nice to see a woman shake her booty when she dances. ;P

  2. George says:

    Hmm…I’m surprised the physical attributes survey a bit too. I mean I would’ve guessed that the body part in the survey’s third position should’ve been swapped with second place, at the very least!

  3. Lilly says:

    George, so are you saying that you’re a breasts man yourself? 😉

  4. George says:


    Now, wouldn’t you want to find out? 😉

  5. wezo says:

    Aw Jeez, the flirting again with you two! Get a room, guys!

  6. Lisa33 says:

    Wait, so if a man wants a woman who makes the man feel wanted, doesn’t that rather imply that it is not the woman per se that he wants, but the feeling of “being wanted by a woman”, and maybe “being wanted by a woman, any woman at all”, as opposed to wanting a particular individual woman for some other reason intrinsic to that particular woman? And what about someone like BartenderBoy, who didn’t find the girl who wanted him attractive? What do those men want the woman to have instead? Or why do many men pursue for ages women who are clearly not interested in them, many times, even after often being told quite clearly that the pursuit will not go anywhere? (shrug). Interesting. Maybe they constitute the last 2% of the surveys, then. Funny though I seem to encounter them so often I was convinced they were the majority! ;P

  7. gf revenge says:

    I really like your blog because you have a great style of writing. It really makes me wanna read all your blog posts. Either way keep up the good work and thanks for making my boring days at home a little more fun and interesting.

  8. Getagirl says:

    Interesting post! Thanks for sharing this. Englishman, you’re the best.

Leave a Reply



An English Gentleman
Dating Blogs
© 2010 by An English Gentleman