Dear English Gentleman,
So I’ve been dating this girl for a few weeks and last Saturday I actually got lucky and got to spend the night at her apartment (No, don’t worry, my question is not part of your “In the Bedroom” section!). The next day, I went to use her shower and was completely bemused at the assortment of soaps, creams, shampoos, body milks, body washes, scrubs, conditioners, and other mysterious potions women seem to keep in lots of little colorful plastic containers that smelled, in order of me opening them (I guess that was a bit ungentlemany of me—opening my girlfriend’s bottles in the shower without permission—but curiosity just got the better of me!), like strawberries, honey, avocado, and some nondescript sweet and fresh soapy thing or another. Needless to say, when the time came for me to choose what to use as soap, faced with such an overwhelming array of possibilities had no idea what to do and picked one at random. You can imagine the embarassment afterwards when my new girl hugged me in the morning and upon touching me said: “Umm…did you use my hair conditioner as soap?”
So, English Gentleman, you who know everything about such matters….can you explain what all those little potions are for, or at the very least tell a confused but well-meaning bloke like me how to identify the proper bottle to reach for, when faced with a similar situation in the future?
Thanks,
Strawbery-scented Manlyman
Dear Strawberry-scented Manlyman,
I am touched by your assumption that I know about such matters, but in a sense you are right, not that I claim to know all about these things, but that a gentleman should have at least some idea as to the main themes as it were. If nothing else this sort of knowledge opens up all sorts of possibilities for presents! The following information is what I’ve gleaned over the years and is given without warranty!
Shampoos – the basis of hair care, remove dirt and oils. Shampoos are the hub about which the bathroom experience rotates. Next we have conditioners. These add shine, protect hair from drying out and allow for easier combing.
But why so many bottles? The first thing to understand is that there are different hair types. Not all women (and men) have the same sort of hair…dry is one type and oily another, with an intermediate type of balanced or normal hair. Bathroom product manufacturers take this into account. Then of course we might have thick hair or thin hair. And then one’s hair might be straight, wavy or curly. Manufacturers take this into account too. So already we are looking at 3 times 2 times 3 or eighteen possible hair types. But we have neglected the fact that curly hair comes in at least three different subtypes. So that’s a grand total of thirty different shampoos, and thirty different conditioners. Even this excludes tightly curly hair (think Whoopi Goldberg).
Given that there are probably two dozen brands of shampoo and conditioner, we are looking at something like seven hundred potential shampoos to choose from alone!
Of course your girlfriend will typically have one principal type of hair and so doesn’t need thirty different shampoos, but she might well choose several from different brands, based on things we haven’t even considered, like smell and visual appearance. Bathroom products are like food too and it’s nice to have a varied diet, perhaps one week using one brand and another week another. So there you have it, probably half a dozen of the bottles are shampoo and conditioner.
These are for one’s hair. For one’s body there’s a plethora of soaps, both traditional bars of soap and liquid soaps, and gels. These too come in a vast number of types, including exfoliating scrubs. Or, maybe your girlfriend fancies a relaxing bath…and why not? You’d expect to see bubble baths and bath oils (again note the plurality – variety being the spice of life and everything). And we are not quite finished, because after the shower or bath she might well use a rejuvenating body lotion.
Now, you may well be thinking that this all seems a bit excessive and why not just have an industrial sized container of cut-price shampoo? After all, if you are like me and read the small print on shampoo and conditioner bottles, nearly all contain essentially the same ingredients (staring with water!). But you would be missing the point. If advertisements are to be believed, the bathing / showering experience should be fun and even a bit magical. It’s a time to pamper, fragrance and moisturise one’s self. And if all it takes is a little bit of strawberry scented bubble bath or a few drops of moisturising dual formula serum with silkening pearls, or perhaps a Sicilian lime bath oil then what’s wrong with that?
So keep the conditioner for your hair and choose a body scrub for your body. And why not spend a little bit of time shopping with your girlfriend, perusing that array of seven hundred shampoos? Or even better, invite her into the bath or shower with you. Then she can perhaps demonstrate the proper way to use them for you herself…
